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In April 2021, I visited Newark, New Jersey.  Upon my arrival I was hungry and needed to go eat.  When I arrived at my hotel, I asked the front desk lady, “Where is a place close by that serves good food”?  She told me to go to Elizabeth, New Jersey.  There was a place called Valença that had delicious food.  So I headed to Elizabeth.  When I got to the restaurant the first thing I noticed was this is going to be expensive.  So I looked up the restaurant to see what kind of prices they had.  The prices on the menu are a little more than an average restaurant chain, not a fast food chain.

Valença is a portuguese restaurant, located at 665 Monroe Ave., in Elizabeth, New Jersey.  As I enter the restaurant there is a foyer with a wrought iron staircase that leads to two glass and  wooden double doors in the center of the staircase.  There was no one in the foyer to greet me.  So I walked upstairs and a host met me at the door and asked if I had reservations.  I told him I did not and was taking a chance they would have a table for me.  They did!  

They seated me at a table next to the bar.  All the tables had white tablecloths with red toned napkins.  One of the rooms had stacked bricks on one of the walls with wooden shutters that outlined pictures.  The room was beautiful.  

After my long two hour flight and having to wear a mask, I was ready for a drink.  I wanted a Martini, so I asked the waiter what he had as far as martini’s.  He suggested the Apple Martini, so I told him to bring me one.  I must have looked like I needed one, because when they brought me the martini, Whoa!  It really had a kick to it and it was good!   

As I looked over the menu the lady at the hotel where I was staying told me to make sure I ordered the Seafood Paella (pronounced Pa Yeh ya).  This was a little expensive but the meal served two people, which is not bad for the price.  The Paella comes with a bed of Saffron rice and a variety of shellfish mixed into the rice.  This dish has lobster, a huge lobster claw, crab, shrimp, clams, and other varieties of shellfish.  This dish was delicious.  There is enough food to last for several days.  The Paella filled me up but I still wanted a dessert.  I had a sweet tooth that was craving something sweet, so I ordered the Kahlua Cappuccino Ice Cream Cake.  This was drizzled in chocolate and whip cream.  Absolutely delicious and I probably gained a lot from it. 

This restaurant is great for families and would be a great place to take a date. I recommend anyone visiting Elizabeth, New Jersey to go to Valença.  Food is great! Make sure you make reservations, this restaurant has a lot of people.  

Kahlua Cappuccino Ice Cream Cake

(It’s happened to all of us over 40)

We’ve all been there.  The next time it happens……..we know it’s coming and we dread it.  Then it gets worse and we were expecting it to get worse, because……we’ve all been there.

I’m gonna go right to the story.  We are currently in Newark, NJ.  I am a traveling tech working here and my girlfriend came to visit.  We went sightseeing.  We love looking at things like the Basilica Cathedrals and some other things.  That’s our plan for the day.  We went and had a great breakfast….and when I say great…it was really freakin’ good.  We went back to the room.  I had my morning constitution and we were on our way.

We get sort of in the neighborhood of where we need to be and out of nowhere my butthole starts gurgling.  Yeah……you know where this is going.   I had to go do #2.  

It was mild at this point, but once it starts it’s only gonna get worse.  As we are riding through a crowded town, I’m looking for a place to poop.  All the while, I’m also looking for a pharmacy for Immodium.

I find Wendy’s, then McDonald’s, then Popeyes.  All of them,  because of Covid 19 and this being Newark, NJ, are only available through drive-thru.  I finally find a fast food place that is open.  I walk in and the bathrooms are BLOCKED OFFFFFF.  GOSH DANGIT! (Notice the frustration after driving for 30 minutes with a gurgling butthole?)  I’ve really gotta go at this point.  I’m walking back out to the parking lot where my girlfriend is apparently laughing her ass off at me while talking on the phone to one of her girlfriends about me having to excrement so badly.  She is absolutely mocking my bowel functions to her friends.  Wonderful.

Went to a CVS and thought…..this is my God sent.  No parking……SHIT!  My stomach and my rectal areas are really boiling at this point.  Went looking for other places and then circled around to the CVS and found a parking spot.

Went inside and where the restrooms are located are barricaded off for Covid shots.  Denied!  HOLY CRAP!  At least I was in a Pharmacy where I can now finally buy Imodium.  Bought it, and, while walking like a Penguin, went back to the car where my girlfriend obviously noticed my predicament and was laughing even harder.  She was still telling her friend on the phone about my condition.  It did not help matters at all.

One last time…..one last try…..I pray this works.  I find a doctor’s clinic on a Saturday.  There is a sign that says “Emergency.”  So I’m thinking this is like a 24 hour clinic that actually has an Emergency Room.  How Happy do you think I am at this point?

I go in.  The bathrooms on the first floor are locked with signs that say, “Please get the key from your doctor to enter the bathroom.”   It’s a Saturday.  There are no offices or doctors open.  Asshole is still gurgling at this point.  Still walking like a penguin.  I’m hurting.  Literally.  I take the elevator to the 2nd floor.  Same situation.  I take the elevator to the 3rd floor.  Still the same situation.  At this point I attempt to open the janitor’s door since no one is there and take one in the sink.  It’s also locked.  All bathrooms are locked mind you.  Janitor’s door is now locked too.  

This place is wrapped up tighter than a 17th century virgin with a Chastity belt.  I walk around the corner and find a foot doctor’s office door open.  I knock on the door…..”Hello…..is there anyone here.?”  There is a young ultrasound woman who is cleaning for extra work.   She is holding an ultrasound paddle which, at the time, looks like an asshole probe, but still looks better than nothing in my case.

Quick, background……..I have Foot Problems, which is sort of like Plantar Fascitis in your foot.  I ran into the only office open in a 3 story clinic with Neurologists to Heart doctors.  How ironic.  I’ve been looking for a foot doctor and found one while trying to find a bathroom.

I’ll get to the point…..”does he take walk-ins?” I ask (keep in mind my ultimate goal at this point is my stomach relief).  She said that he wasn’t in and she was simply cleaning for extra money but that she could recommend that I go to the doctor she actually works for.  She said he was a good doctor and he tests for Gout.  I said great, then added, “Do you by chance have the key for the men’s restroom?”  “Sure…..it’s right there.  Just bring it back when you’re done.”  “Thanks so much.  I’ll have it back very soon.”  

Best 5 minute shit I’ve had in months.

Remember…..All of these previous bathroom denials, when having shit problems, led me to a clinic where all the bathrooms were still closed until I got to the top floor.  This is where a foot clinic that wasn’t supposed to be open…..was open…..well…..at least for cleaning.  

Not only did I relieve myself, had taken Imodium and somewhat firmed up my stomach issues, but also found a doctor that can test for Gout with my foot.  I’m planning on calling him this week.

Remember….even when things are at your worst…..there always a reason why things end up working out.

GOD BLESS.  KEEP YOUR FAITH!

Postscript (p.s.)   My name is Christopher Bain Mitchum.  My initials are CBM which also stands for Chronic Bowel Movement.  Isn’t God funny?  That’s a rhetorical question in case you didn’t catch it.

True story, but like I said, we’ve all been there so you have been through the same things I have.

In October 2020, I went to the Blue Haven Bee Company located at 2069 Bond Ave, Canon, GA 30520.  When I looked at their website I noticed the word meadery.  So I was not sure what a meadery was and I looked it up.  What is a meadery?  A meadery is a winery that produces honey wines and meads.  The wines are usually fermented honey.  

The layout of the winery is nice.  The bar allows you to go to 3 sides which helps with social distancing.  There is an area where the wines are located and easy access to the wines.  The sitting area has several chairs with nice comfortable cushions and a relaxing area to sit in.  Along the walls there are different items for sale, such as a variety of honey’s and soaps.  They do have some other items for sale besides these items.  The room is large with the feel of warmth from the colors and a charming country feel to the room. There is a display as you enter the winery of bees working the honeycombs.  I found this to be interesting seeing the bees at work.  The picture displayed are the honeycombs attached to the wall of the glass. The bees are at the bottom of the glass container and there is a small hole on the opposite side of the glass tank where the bees can fly in and out of the tank and are able to pollinate.  

The wines:  

Hibiscus Mead is a delicious wine.  The wine has a unique perfume smell and the taste is different from most wines I have had.  This wine is one you will either like or you will not like.  The color of the wine is a pretty pink color and it is between a dry and sweet wine.  The wine is made from honey and Hibiscus flowers. 

One of the things about the Hibiscus, it is good for you. There are several benefits to Hibiscus: lower high blood pressure and obesity. I have also read that it reduces gray hair.  

This might be a good reason to have a glass of Hibiscus wine every now and then. 

Peach Mead wine is sweet wine.  The color of the wine is a peachy color.  It’s blended with honey and it’s great!  As you can see here is a picture of myself having a glass of Peach Mead at the winery.  I am relaxed and enjoying myself. 

I bought two bottles of the Peach Mead wine.  It is really good. 

Peaches are good for your eyes, so this might be a good reason to have a glass of Peach Mead every now and then. 

Apple Cyser wine is a semi sweet wine.  You can taste light hints of apples in this wine.  The color of the wine is a yellow color.  Apple Cyser wine is a blend of apples and honey. I enjoyed this wine very much.  

Apples are an energy booster.  So you might want to have a glass of Apple Cyser every now and then.  I do have a bottle of Apple Cyser so I probably need to be drinking it for energy.  

The Surveyor wine is a blend of grapes and honey.  The wine is yellow in color and it is a sweet wine.  This wine is very good.  You can taste the sweetness of the grapes in the wine and the hint of honey.  

Grapes help improve our memory.  I know a lot of people that need to be drinking The Surveyor!  This might help their memory.  So those who have memory problems you might want to buy a bottle every now and then.  

There are many more wines at the Blue Haven Bee Company that I have not tried.  These are just a few of them.  

Blue Haven Bee Company Honey

Blue Haven Bee Company has several different varieties of honey.  I bought the Southern Cotton and Sourwood.  These two honeys are raw and unfiltered. 

The Southern Cotton honey is very smooth and fluffy. The honey has a sweetness to it when you eat it.. The Southern Cotton is amber in color and when you put it on toast with butter it has a sweet taste to it. It is delicious.

Sourwood honey is a lighter color than the Southern Cotton.  When you taste the Sourwood honey you can especially taste it on the sides of the tongue.  This honey is not a sour tasting honey.  Usually in the mornings I will get up and eat a spoon of this honey.

Honey has many benefits.  If you eat honey locally where you live, the honey will fight allergies.  Honey carries antioxidants to help you fight colds.  So it’s good to eat honey everyday. 

The Lavender Sage Honey Soap smells really good.  I actually just took a bath with the soap to see if it was any good.  The soap does lather on your skin.  It is not like some soaps that give you an excessive oily slick feeling to them that is hard to get off. When you lather the soap it does coat your body with an oily slick feel but not over excessive.  When you rinse the soap it is very easy to come off without hard scrubbing.  The soap leaves the bath water smelling like lavender. Your body will smell like lavender.  This soap is some good soap!

The time I spent at the Blue Haven Bee Company was very enjoyable.  I met the owners and they were very nice people.  I spoke with Mrs. Brown and she told me that the company was a family owned business and that her, her husband, and children worked there. 

The lady working behind the wine bar was very knowledgeable with the wines and honey’s.  She was the one that recommended the Hibiscus wine, The Southern Cotton, and Sourwood Honey to me.  Which I was glad she did because they are delicious. 

The Blue Haven Bee Company is a great place for a girl’s night of wine tasting.  Guys, it is a great place to take a date for wine tasting and sitting in the seating areas and getting to know one another.  Husbands, take your wife there if she likes wine.  

WHEN YOUR PARTNER DIES

AND YOU ARE LEFT ALONE

YOU START TO WISH YOU WERE GONE

WHY NOT ME YOU ASK

LIFE WENT BY JUST TOO FAST

AS YOU TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME

YOU THINK WHAT DO I DO

TO HELP MYSELF & OTHERS TOO

YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T DWELL ON THE PAST

 KEEP YOUR MIND BUSY

MAKE GOOD THOUGHTS LAST

WHEN BAD THOUGHTS CREEP IN

JUST THROW THEM OUT AGAIN

KEEP YOUR BODY MOVING

REMEMBER THOSE DANCE STEPS

IN YOUNGER DAYS

TURN ON THE MUSIC

MOVE, MOVE, MOVE

GET IN THE GROOVE, ALL SORTS OF WAYS

GET RHYTHM IN THOSE BONES

LET YOUR HEART BEAT WITH THE DRUMS

AND, AGAIN, YOU’LL START TO FEEL YOUNG

 KEEP ON MOVING AND DON’T QUIT

YOU MAY BE SLOWER BUT YOU’RE OUT OF THE PIT

A LOT WISER & CHOMPING AT THE BIT

TO KEEP Al & DEMENTIA AWAY

KEEP YOUR MIND  BUSY AND FIT

FIND THE TIME TO TALK TO GOD & PRAY

FIND SOMEONE TO BEFRIEND

THEY MAY NEED TO TALK 

OR HAVE AN EAR TO LEND

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS IN GOD’S PLAN

HE GAVE YOU THIS BODY, MIND, & SOUL

TAKE CARE OF IT THE BEST YOU CAN

DIANE HARPOLE 10/21/20

Permission to Publish

One day you wake up and you go look in the mirror.  You notice oh my gosh!  Your boobs have sagged down.  You pick each one up and try to put it back in place and they drop, and you think what am I going to do?  It makes you feel unattractive, and think people will see your boobs sagging. But you know you are getting older and there is not much you can do about it. 

Most men like the perky boobs and you think, well they might not look at me with my boobs sagging downwards. There are a lot of men out there who are breast men. So you think what do I do?  

There are several things you can do to help.  Exercise, eat healthy, support bras, and there are surgical procedures to help with these situations.  

I have spoken to several men and most have stated “A woman with boobs to her waist is very unattractive.”  Some men realize we are all getting older and it doesn’t bother them with women who have sagging boobs.  They understand gravity takes a hold of our body parts. One thing that I have found, men have stated when a woman is lying on the bed and one boob goes to one side and the other goes to the other side… that this is unappealing to them.  This seems to be a common thing a lot of men agree on. Most men don’t want to be dating someone, in their terms, “bat wings” or boobs that look like part of their underarms. 

You think using a support bra will help.  But when you are single and wanting to date someone,  little things run through your mind.  When you get ready for your special night and think, when I take my bra off my boobs are going down.  This can be embarrassing thinking your partner might not find you desirable.  If this is uncomfortable for you just go slow and take it one step at a time and see how your partner reacts toward you.  One thing definitely, talk about it before you make that homerun.  Make sure you take a good inventory of your body and their body before you go on this venture. 

Another thing is that women get boob jobs at early ages.  They want to appeal to their partners.  The older they get their boobs begin to sag.  Sometimes with the extra weight one boob could be lower than the other, they could go in outward directions, nipples can be pointing up while boob is sagging down, or nipples could be pointing downward, etc. These surgeries can be expensive.  The women can be very attractive women, but if they have had a boob job to enlarge and now they are older.  This will definitely cause some men to look away. 

Ladies are not the only ones who have sagging issues.  As men get older their balls drop.  They sometimes have extra fluid in their balls.  Sometimes when they go to the bathroom their balls can actually hit the water.  Splash!  Men have also been known to accidentally sit on their balls because they are older and sagging more.  

But unlike ladies most men have this attitude they don’t give a crap.  Things don’t bother them as they do women.  But when that special night rolls around, especially for someone single and being the first night they have sex, you think how do I react when he takes off his pants and his balls are hanging low.  Do I just make a joke out of it?  

Men with saggy balls are not very attractive.  Most women do not want to date a man with them to their knees. 

Good thing there are exercises that will help with this and if those don’t work there is surgery for saggy balls. 

This article is not to offend anyone, but it has different viewpoints from men and women over 50.  

Written by:

Diana Renee

What do you think when you think of massage?  Most people enjoy a nice massage.  I enjoy getting massages.  

You have the massage that a professional will do.  That is to relieve stress and tension in your body.  These people have been to school and had professional training.  They know how to help people with these ailments. Some of those massages can go from 30 minutes or longer.  Usually they will start from the head and go down your body massaging your muscles.  With these professionals there is no sexual contact going on.  Some people hear stories when they first go about massage therapy and massage parlors and are afraid to go.  Some people I hear don’t want someone touching them but they may have pains that can actually be worked out.  I have been to a professional and I can say from my experience it does help. 

The home massage by your partner, friend, etc.  Sometimes you just want your back rubbed.  This is the massage without sex. You and your partner just give each other a back rub or body rub.  This massage you usually want to use a lotion that both enjoy.  I have noticed most men do not want to smell like a flower.  One lotion that I have found that some men like is the Aromatherapy Stress Relief by Bath & Body Works.  It is a body cream. The one I have used has Eucalyptus and Tea in it. 

The Romantic massage.  This usually leads to a romantic night.  Usually it is the foreplay to a nice night.  This is a lot of rubbing in areas you don’t normally rub.  Places where professional therapists don’t go.  This usually turns into a romantic night.  It is not a night where you do one thing and you’re done.  This usually is a night of passion and love. These nights most people enjoy the touch of their partners in those areas. 

Massage stories

In my past, I have experienced this from a friend of mine.  He enjoyed touching women.  He would invite women to his home and give them massages.  He would have candles and relaxing music.  He used oils. I asked him why he loved giving massages.  He stated to me that he enjoyed touching a woman.  He thought their skin was soft and wanted to massage them. There was no sex involved, he just enjoyed touching women.

Then you have the man who will go on the internet looking for the erotic massage.  This is usually a fantasy but some men do find places that will do this. These places are usually against the law in the United States. These men want to feel a woman rub them down and have a happy ending. I have also found that some do not want their spouse or girlfriend giving them a happy ending but rather a stranger doing this. This kind of massage can lead to problems in a marriage or a relationship.  Even when a man is searching for an erotic massage.  There are men who work traveling and a lot of times they will get lonely out on the roads and will start to get fantasies in their head about getting a massage.  Wanting to feel someone touch them. 

I have found that usually when a man starts searching for those kinds of massages, he will search for a while.  Then they start to message, call places, and look for reviews on the internet.  This is usually done over a period of time.  Normally when their spouse or partner has a fight with them they usually dabble a little more into it.  Eventually they will go and find someone to do this for them.  These are not the kind of massages that will keep a relationship together.  

All and all massages are great, but not the kind to destroy relationships. If you want a “Happy Ending” massage, do it with your partner.  It will save you grief, stress, and money due to divorce and will also spice up your current relationship.

These are my opinions of massages. 

NOV 5, 2019

Trevor McElhaney climbed up a tree
Looking for a deer he could see
But, little did he know
The old buck was watching him
With his beautiful doe
Watch this he said to her
"Oh, Mr. Squirrel, sir.
Would u climb that tree
And shake those nuts
So they fall on Mr. McElhaney?"
He wants to shoot my babe & me
Give him a taste what it's like
Maybe he'll leave and take a hike
This is our spot, my babe & me
We make love here everyday
Can't you make him go away?
Shake, shake, shake those nuts
Hit him in the head
Hit him in the butt
Mr. McElhaney saw that squirrel
Screamed at him to get out of his world
He picked up his gun 
He aimed at Mr. Squirrel
He shot at him & missed
But he got the limb 
And the limb got him
He came crashing down
He landed with a big old frown
He watched the old buck & his babe 
Raise their flags to run away
But he stopped in the middle of the road
He snorted as if to say, "Hope you have a good day"!!

Written by Diane Harpole

Permission to publish by Renee’s Variety