An Uncomfortable Emergency

(It’s happened to all of us over 40)

We’ve all been there.  The next time it happens……..we know it’s coming and we dread it.  Then it gets worse and we were expecting it to get worse, because……we’ve all been there.

I’m gonna go right to the story.  We are currently in Newark, NJ.  I am a traveling tech working here and my girlfriend came to visit.  We went sightseeing.  We love looking at things like the Basilica Cathedrals and some other things.  That’s our plan for the day.  We went and had a great breakfast….and when I say great…it was really freakin’ good.  We went back to the room.  I had my morning constitution and we were on our way.

We get sort of in the neighborhood of where we need to be and out of nowhere my butthole starts gurgling.  Yeah……you know where this is going.   I had to go do #2.  

It was mild at this point, but once it starts it’s only gonna get worse.  As we are riding through a crowded town, I’m looking for a place to poop.  All the while, I’m also looking for a pharmacy for Immodium.

I find Wendy’s, then McDonald’s, then Popeyes.  All of them,  because of Covid 19 and this being Newark, NJ, are only available through drive-thru.  I finally find a fast food place that is open.  I walk in and the bathrooms are BLOCKED OFFFFFF.  GOSH DANGIT! (Notice the frustration after driving for 30 minutes with a gurgling butthole?)  I’ve really gotta go at this point.  I’m walking back out to the parking lot where my girlfriend is apparently laughing her ass off at me while talking on the phone to one of her girlfriends about me having to excrement so badly.  She is absolutely mocking my bowel functions to her friends.  Wonderful.

Went to a CVS and thought…..this is my God sent.  No parking……SHIT!  My stomach and my rectal areas are really boiling at this point.  Went looking for other places and then circled around to the CVS and found a parking spot.

Went inside and where the restrooms are located are barricaded off for Covid shots.  Denied!  HOLY CRAP!  At least I was in a Pharmacy where I can now finally buy Imodium.  Bought it, and, while walking like a Penguin, went back to the car where my girlfriend obviously noticed my predicament and was laughing even harder.  She was still telling her friend on the phone about my condition.  It did not help matters at all.

One last time…..one last try…..I pray this works.  I find a doctor’s clinic on a Saturday.  There is a sign that says “Emergency.”  So I’m thinking this is like a 24 hour clinic that actually has an Emergency Room.  How Happy do you think I am at this point?

I go in.  The bathrooms on the first floor are locked with signs that say, “Please get the key from your doctor to enter the bathroom.”   It’s a Saturday.  There are no offices or doctors open.  Asshole is still gurgling at this point.  Still walking like a penguin.  I’m hurting.  Literally.  I take the elevator to the 2nd floor.  Same situation.  I take the elevator to the 3rd floor.  Still the same situation.  At this point I attempt to open the janitor’s door since no one is there and take one in the sink.  It’s also locked.  All bathrooms are locked mind you.  Janitor’s door is now locked too.  

This place is wrapped up tighter than a 17th century virgin with a Chastity belt.  I walk around the corner and find a foot doctor’s office door open.  I knock on the door…..”Hello…..is there anyone here.?”  There is a young ultrasound woman who is cleaning for extra work.   She is holding an ultrasound paddle which, at the time, looks like an asshole probe, but still looks better than nothing in my case.

Quick, background……..I have Foot Problems, which is sort of like Plantar Fascitis in your foot.  I ran into the only office open in a 3 story clinic with Neurologists to Heart doctors.  How ironic.  I’ve been looking for a foot doctor and found one while trying to find a bathroom.

I’ll get to the point…..”does he take walk-ins?” I ask (keep in mind my ultimate goal at this point is my stomach relief).  She said that he wasn’t in and she was simply cleaning for extra money but that she could recommend that I go to the doctor she actually works for.  She said he was a good doctor and he tests for Gout.  I said great, then added, “Do you by chance have the key for the men’s restroom?”  “Sure…..it’s right there.  Just bring it back when you’re done.”  “Thanks so much.  I’ll have it back very soon.”  

Best 5 minute shit I’ve had in months.

Remember…..All of these previous bathroom denials, when having shit problems, led me to a clinic where all the bathrooms were still closed until I got to the top floor.  This is where a foot clinic that wasn’t supposed to be open…..was open…..well…..at least for cleaning.  

Not only did I relieve myself, had taken Imodium and somewhat firmed up my stomach issues, but also found a doctor that can test for Gout with my foot.  I’m planning on calling him this week.

Remember….even when things are at your worst…..there always a reason why things end up working out.

GOD BLESS.  KEEP YOUR FAITH!

Postscript (p.s.)   My name is Christopher Bain Mitchum.  My initials are CBM which also stands for Chronic Bowel Movement.  Isn’t God funny?  That’s a rhetorical question in case you didn’t catch it.

True story, but like I said, we’ve all been there so you have been through the same things I have.